I was angry at god!

Approximate Read Time: 8-9 min

Warning: This piece dives into the deepest shadows of my past, including clinical depression and thoughts of suicide. I share this raw truth not to trigger, but to show how deeply the light can penetrate the dark. Please check in with yourself before reading.

My Sadhana practice, which is now commonly a 4 hour process that I immensely look forward to, started with a daily 10 minute commitment to myself to find a way to be happy at any cost, and it worked!

It was a slow process of course. Like everything, consistency is key.

Someone recently told me that one day, they plan to take 30 days to meditate to see what happens. While this would likely show some sort of results, I feel that is kinda like sticking to a diet for 30 days and expecting life changing weight loss results.

My depression was not responding to pharmaceutical treatment any longer, and even though I desperately was wishing for death, I made the choice not to take my life because of my children. 

My commitment to myself was 10 minutes to meditate, every single day, no excuses! I didn’t care if I was tired, or sick, or not in the mood, I committed to this every single day. If after my 10 minute commitment, I wanted to go back to bed, then I gave myself that option, but I don’t think I ever stopped at 10 minutes, except once in 7 years.  I was making a choice to find a way to be happy, no matter what it took.

Meditation can help with rewiring the traumatized brain, breaking the cycles of rumination and depression and healing dissociation through somatic reconnection, among so many other known benefits. We now know that trauma is stored in the body, so releasing this through somatic practices is very important.

I also knew that if I did not do this first thing in the morning, that life would inevitably get in the way, so this is the first thing I do every single day, other than the necessities of using the bathroom and getting my beverages of choice beforehand.

I had dabbled in Yoga and meditation for many years, but never on any type of regular basis. I had also read the book, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, which was life changing,  and I was aware of Deepok Chopra’s work, which was what sparked my interest in other religions. 

I had walked away from Christianity specifically after going down the path of ministry for a while, but all religions, by my mid 20’s. I was very anti-religion, and anti-God. 

I was angry at God.

I do not follow any one religion. I draw from many, and I eventually found peace with God.

I very quickly became a huge fan of Deepok Chopra, The Soul of Healing Affirmations, which is a guided meditation. This is still what I listen to every single day.

My practice of ritual has grown immensely over the years as well. I started with an electric fireplace, a warm beverage and meditating.

My current rituals to create my sacred space include Deepak Chopra of course, an electric fireplace (I hate the cold), essential oils, or incense, candles, and stones. 

Ultimately, it is really about figuring out what you like and what works for you. I’ve realized that my family does lots of home decorating, gardening and shopping as forms of ritual to feel safe. This is not intentional, but instinctual, and does seem to work for them.

I used to go to Yoga studios and loved the energy and ambiance there, and one day it occurred to me to create that space in my home, so this is what I did. 

My son came into my bedroom the other day, where I have created the most zen space in my home, and he told me that it is so zen in my bedroom, that he was going to meditate on accident just by being in there.

Ritual can bridge the internal and external worlds. Trauma survivors like structure and control, which this permits and allows for somatic integration.

Visualization, which is something else that I integrate into my practice, which can help with feelings of safety and control and regaining control of the imagination, to replace flashbacks and involuntary visualizations. I work with Reiki energy, but you can find what works for you.

This year, I have specifically integrated singing mantras in sanskrit to work with the vagus nerve. I have incorporated singing intentionally since my early 20’s. I found that when I couldn’t get the flashbacks to stop, that if I played music and sang, they would go away. Over the years I honed my music choices to focus on music that did not have negative lyrics towards women, and had more positive messages for the most part.

I became aware of working with the vagus nerve and sound vibrations many years ago, which is why I specifically added it to my morning practice this year. 

The vagus nerve is the longest cranial nerve in the body, and it acts as the main highway for the parasympathetic nervous system, the rest, digest and heal mode. We need to be in this state to heal.

I do typically start in lotus position, which is what comes to mind for most of us when we think of meditation, but I move to different yoga poses as I see fit through the mediation. When my body starts to move past the point of discomfort, I change positions. 

During my meditation practice, which can be very still, active, or any combination in between, I include strength training and stretching. I focus on functional movement as I age. The point is to keep my mind on the moment, and not follow or engage the thoughts that keep passing through my mind. This is a Practice, NOT Perfection.

I find that this is when I do a lot of mental processing and get clarity on things.

When most people think of Yoga, they envision beautiful flowing movement in pretzel positions, which is one of the many options, called Vinyasa.

This is not what I do.

Most of what I practice is in the Yin variety, although I find myself taking the poses into active instead of passive poses many times. I definitely push myself.

After an hour or more of meditation, I typically move into more active movement and strength training, but still staying in a very meditative environment, focusing on the moment.

I practice core strength and inversion every day to keep the pain away in my lower lumbar area due to degeneration, as well as balance poses occasionally for functional movement as I age.

I like to finish with singing Mantra in Sanskrit and reading and/or studying.

I hope this gives you guys some ideas on how to create your own practice and your own journey to find internal peace.

The Anatomy of My Sadhana :

1. Set Your Goal & Commitment: 10 Min a day. Time-block your calendar. Give yourself permission to go back to bed after 10 minutes if you want to—but commit to showing up for those 10 minutes no matter what. 

2. Design Your Sacred Space: Trauma thrives on predictability and safety. Choose your temperature, lighting, and scents intentionally to signal to your nervous system that it is safe to drop its guard. 

3. Establish Your Sensory Rituals: Incorporate objects that ground you—essential oils, incense, candles, or stones. Use the tangible to help you access the intangible peace within.

4. Anchoring the Mind with Meditation/Prayer: Whether it’s a silent pause or a guided track like Deepak Chopra’s affirmations, find a vocal anchor that drowns out the internal noise and rewires the mental dialogue.

5. Movement/Stretching/Strengthening: I want to stay mobile as I age. This is a huge priority for me. This will vary greatly based on personal needs and ability.

6. Reclaiming the Imagination: Use visualization or energy work (like Reiki) to build an internal landscape of safety. Take back control of your mind’s eye.

7. Somatic Integration: Stimulate the vagus nerve directly. Use sound vibrations—humming, dancing, or singing mantras in Sanskrit—to move stagnant trauma out of the tissue and lock in the healing. 

Truly,

Margot X. Sterling

Author | Speaker | Transformation Expert

Conflict Resolution | Resilience Strategist

Mastering the X-Point: Where shadow meets strength.